not your typical annihilatrix (furiosity) wrote,
not your typical annihilatrix

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Fic: The Graveyard Remix [crackfic, PG-13]

Title: The Graveyard Remix
Author: furiosity
Genre: Crack/Parody
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Harry, Wormtail, Voldemort
Pairing: Harry/Cedric, Harry/Wormtail None.
Warning(s): Inappropriate levity.
Disclaimer: JKR owns. I only play. You do not sue.
Length: 500
Summary: A... different take on the graveyard scene from Goblet of Fire, aka "Hee. He said bone."
Beta: None.
Note: Originally written for a contest at hogwarts_elite. Second place winner.
Concrit: Always welcome and appreciated.

The Graveyard Remix

HARRY: *falls on the ground and breaks his leg* Fuckshit!

CEDRIC: You shouldn't swear. Swearing is for Slytherins.

HARRY: Shut up and help me stand.

CEDRIC: *is Harry's bitch*

GRAVEYARD: *looms*

CEDRIC: So where are our celebrating minions?

HARRY: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

CEDRIC: Maybe we should get our wands out.

HARRY: You know, I'm tired of telling you I don't like you in that way, Ced.

CEDRIC: *sulks*

SHADOWY FIGURE: *draws near*

HARRY: *gulp*

SHADOWY FIGURE: *is carrying a baby-sized bundle*

HARRY: Oi, mate. The maternity shop is a mile off from here.


HARRY'S SCAR: *hurts like a bitch*

HARRY: Ow ow ow motherfucker OW! *drops wand*

COLD VOICE: Kill the spare.

WORMTAIL: Avada Kedavra!

CEDRIC: *dies*

HARRY: Oh my God. You killed Cedric. YOU BASTARD!

CEDRIC'S CORPSE: A plague on both your houses, including the weekend cottage.

HARRY: *stares at Cedric's corpse for a half an hour when he really should be running away *

AUDIENCE: What an idiot.

WORMTAIL: *drags Harry off*

HEADSTONE: *flickers with the name 'Tom Riddle'*

HARRY: God, save me from the exposition fairy.

WORMTAIL: *binds Harry to headstone*

HARRY: Y'know, if you wanted to indulge your kinky BDSM fantasies, you could've just asked... *realises it's Wormtail* *gasps* YOU!

WORMTAIL: *rubs the knots lovingly, then stuffs a ball gag into Harry's mouth*

HARRY: Mmprhff.

TRIWIZARD CUP: *glints merrily in the starlight*



BABY VOLDIE: *stirs*

NAGINI: *slithers*

HARRY: *pees himself from all the suspense*

WORMTAIL: *breathes wheezily all over Harry*

SLASHERS: Oh, come on, this is just too easy.

WORMTAIL: *plays at being Snape*

BABY VOLDIE: Hurry up, fool. I have a manicure appointment at eight.

EAU DE VOLDEMORT: *is ready*

WORMTAIL: *opens baby bundle*

HARRY'S SCAR: *hurts like a bitch*

BABY VOLDIE: *is hairy and revolting*

HARRY: Mmmrphff!!

SUBTITLES: That's just sick, yo. You call this a children's book?

WORMTAIL: *puts Baby Voldie into cauldron*

HARRY: Mrmmph.

SUBTITLES: Plz to be drowning, thx.

WORMTAIL: Bone of the father...

SLASHERS: Hee. He said bone.


HARRY: *rolls his eyes dramatically*

WORMTAIL: *cuts off his hand*

BLOOD: *squirts like a geyser*


HARRY: *is desperately praying that this is all some bad dream*

WORMTAIL: *breathes on Harry's face*

HARRY: Mrphhh!!!!!1

SUBTITLES: Meep!!!!!1

WORMTAIL: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b--

HARRY: Mpfrrrhrfpff.. *grumpy*

SUBTITLES: Hurry up man, I haven't got all day.

WORMTAIL: BLOOD!!!1 *stabbity*

HARRY: Mmmprf.

SUBTITLES: Oh, you drag me here, you tie me up and gag me, and now I've got to pay for an AIDS test, too? You sure know how to show a guy a good time, Wormtail.

EAU DE VOLDEMORT: *shimmers and glitters ominously*

VOLDEMORT: *rises, and quickly covers his crotch* Oh my GOD! Where are my clothes? Where am I? What am I doing here? Mummmeeeeeee!

HARRY: Mmrph.

SUBTITLES: Oh, dramatise.


VOLDEMORT: *rubs hands all over himself*

NAGINI: *hisses triumphantly*

VOLDEMORT: *caresses his wand gently*

SLASHERS: And they wonder about all the porn in fandom. Honestly.

Tags: fic:era:hogwarts, fic:fandom:hp, fic:genre:crack, fic:genre:parody, fic:post-hbp, fic:pov:omni, fic:type:gen
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