not your typical annihilatrix (furiosity) wrote,
not your typical annihilatrix
furiosity

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Fic: The Little Hangleton Doornail Massacre [crackfic, Gaunts, PG]

Title: The Little Hangleton Doornail Massacre
Author: furiosity
Genre: Crackfic
Rating: PG
Characters: The Gaunt family
Warning(s): Wrongness. Crack. Gratuitously abducted movie plotz plots.
Disclaimer: JKR owns. I only play. You do not sue.
Length: 740 words
Summary: This is the story of the snake nailed to the door of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Crack Gaunt. Includes non-italicised Parseltongue.
Beta: None.
Note: Written for scarah2's art as part of tarie's Illustrated Ficcish Wish Fulfillment Swap. I'm really sorry, Sarah. The crack is strong with me, apparently.
Concrit: Always welcome and appreciated.

The Little Hangleton Doornail Massacre


The village of Little Hangleton was eerily quiet on that particular Wednesday evening, and the residents of a grimy shack on the outskirts were out in full force. That is to say, they were alive, and they were out of doors. That was a lot more than one could say for the Gaunt family on a usual day.

Marvolo, the head of the household, was looking cross as he surveyed the magnificent grounds of his medieval castle pigs feeding in the filthy trough.

His daughter Merope, who was the sanest of the bunch a very proper British girl, was waiting for her prince to come and save her a glimpse of her neighbour, the dashing Tom Riddle, because that man was one fine piece of ass, yo.

Marvolo's son Morfin, who was marginally touched in the head and therefore not all there a charming young man with a proclivity to collecting cutlery, hopped up and down excitedly beside his father.

"Story!" cried Morfin, brandishing a knife and a not-yet-pointy stick. "Story, Daddy!"

"What kind of story, son? You know I'm no good at those -- whatchu call 'em. Romance 'n shit. I'll tell you a true story," said Marvolo in that gruff voice of his, so full of authoriTAH.

"But Father, all your stories are so depressing," said Merope, with a dreamy sigh and a furtive glance at the road that ran by their shabby old house.

"Shut up, Merope," said Marvolo, frowning in a very menacing way. "It's a true story. It happened to a friend of a friend of mine--"

"An Inferiusssssssss," opined the Gaunts' pet snake, who had crawled out from behind an untrimmed hedge and curled itself up by Merope's feet.

Marvolo turned to the snake. "Squishy, I'm warning you."

"Sssssssorry."

"Right then," said Marvolo. "Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Helga. She and four of her friends -- Godric, Rowena and Salazar, as well as Salazar's pet cat Whiskers -- were going to a Weird Sisters concert."

"But Father," objected Merope, not taking her eyes off the road. "The Weird Sisters didn't even exist when the Founders were teenagers!"

Marvolo narrowed his eyes. "What would you know about it? You didn't even go to Hogwarts!"

"Did too!" objected Merope, her face suddenly indignant. "I so went to Hogwarts, k!"

"I went to Hogwarts too, Daddy, didn't I?" asked Morfin, drooling a bit.

"Of course you did, punkin. Now, where was I?"

"An Inferiusssssssss."

"SQUISHY!"

"Apologiesssss."

"Right, the Weird Sisters concert. So the five friends were going to a Hogwarts -- er -- a Weird Sisters concert, with Whiskers riding shotgun in the front seat of the carriage. As their carriage rolled on its merry way down the road, the five friends became embroiled in an argument about the most important qualities in a witch or a wizard."

Morfin was so entranced that he even lowered his knife slightly. His eyes were becoming glazed over and Merope inched away from him a bit, just to be safe.

"Godric said bravery made a wizard. Helga said that patience was the witch's main asset. Salazar said that cunning was far more important than either bravery or patience, while Rowena scoffed and said that clearly, they were all too stupid to realise that intelligence was the most important thing ever. Whiskers had no opinion on wizards, but he did rather enjoy tuna."

"What's tuna? " asked Morfin.

"An Inferiusssssssss"

"By God, Squishy, say that again and I'm going to kill you."

"Sssssss," hissed Squishy, clearly discontent.

"So embroiled were our friends in their argument that they didn't notice a Muggle girl crossing the road in front of them. Their horses nearly trampled the poor Muggle girl into the dirt. Our friends were very, very sorry. This was back in the day when wizards tried to be nice to Muggles; so the four friends decided to report the accident. They looked for the local sheriffs--"

"What's a sheriff?" Morfin wanted to know.

"An Inferiusssssssss," insisted Squishy.

"All right, that's it," growled Marvolo. He fished out a rusty doornail from his pocket and snatched the knife away from Morfin. Picking up Squishy, he held him flat against the door and drove the doornail straight through Squishy's neck, giving it a few good whacks with the knife handle.

"I am an Inferiusssssssss," said Squishy, dangling off the door and swishing his tail happily. "Yayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

And that's what happened.

[end]

And that's it from me for the year, loves. Have a wonderful New Year's celebration, I'll see ya on the flip side.
Tags: fic:character:hp:gaunts, fic:era:riddle, fic:fandom:hp, fic:genre:crack, fic:length:flash, fic:post-hbp, fic:pov:omni, fic:type:gen
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