Dear fanfic authors,
I know it's a bitch that the "don't like, don't read" card is being waved in YOUR face for once. It's frustrating, I know. Go ahead, yell! Here, I'll scream with you: AHHHH, SOMEBODY HELP! There's no rational argument against this pesky little card (unless you consider *footstomp* and "WAH WAH WAH" rational arguments) and I suspect that's what's got so many panties in a bunch. Well, I'm tired of these motherfucking panties in this motherfucking bunch.
Please stop inflating the importance of my H/D reviews to proportions that are frankly ridiculous. These reviews are not shaping fandom, because most people in fandom can actually, you know, think for themselves. If someone is letting the existence of the reviews affect their enjoyment of fandom, that's a whole 'nother story. I let the existence of leatherpants!Draco affect my enjoyment of fandom, but that's my malfunction, ya dig?
Ditto for "but I am not having fun anymore, and I would be if these reviews didn't exist!!1" Uh, if you insist on placing blame outside yourself for YOUR SPECTACULAR INABILITY TO IGNORE SOMETHING YOU DO NOT LIKE, let's take a leisurely little trip down the primrose path of reductio ad absurdum, as we were headed that way anyhow: if the World Wide Web didn't exist, none of this would be an issue. So, take it up with Tim Berners-Lee.
The reviews are also not costing anyone any readers. Kindly think for a fucking second. My reviews are posted once a week, after the hd_prophet recs go out. In the case of early issues of the Prophet, LONG after. The average shelf-life of a fic on LJ is 36-48 hours; newsletter recs don't prolong it because newsletters rec "current" fics only. Any new readers after the shelf life has passed are pure gravy. Fact.
By the time I post a week's batch of reviews, anyone who was going to read your story already has. A review might make some people go and read it despite having skipped it at first. And if they didn't read it in the first place, what the fuck makes you think they ever would have, even without a negative or "meh" review? I'd like earth logic back in the building, please. All this speshul snowflake logic is making it difficult to breathe, what with all the smoke and mirrors designed to disguise the simple yet impassioned cries of "YOU ARE SERIOUSLY HINDERING MY ATTEMPTS AT BEING POPULAR ON THE INTERNET!!!" In the wankstorm and all the accompanying moaning, I think it's fairly safe to say that I lost more potential readers by refusing to stop the reviews than you ever will. Oh, snap! Emo tear, etc. Feel better? Good, good.
As has been suggested by people wiser and more patient than myself, put a note in your header that you prefer no public crit, and presto motherfucking chango, no review for you. Guaranteed to lose one reader, granted, but you didn't want me reading anyway, did you? I'm sorry, what's that? You want me to read but then STFU about it unless I have only nice things to say? No can do. If I'm not allowed to express an opinion about your publicly posted fic, then I feel that your fic is not worth my readin' time. You will cope.
And if you are hoping that this is a "trend" that will blow over, let me introduce you to a friend of mine. I call him NO.
The next person who accuses me of mocking other people's work is going to be treated to a demonstration of precisely how wrong they are. I am not so much with the subtle when I set out to mock something. If I were trying to mock, this would be very plainly obvious to anyone with a functioning prefrontal cortex (this includes several simian subspecies). I have a number of personal flaws, but being a passive-aggressive fuckstick is not one of them; I'm actually a belligerent, somewhat arrogant fuckstick who will get in your face even if you're bigger and stronger. If I'm mocking you or your fic deliberately, you will know it.
That said, I will mock the next person who tells me that because of the number of people on my friends-of list, I have a "responsibility" to act a certain way or say things a certain way. My responsibility is to myself. You are in control of your mouse, browser, computer and the motherfucking defriend button. Don't like? Don't read. Seriously, it's fine if you don't like the reviews. It's fine if you want to bitch about them to anyone who will listen. It's fine if you think I'm a mean, inhuman sack of shit for doing them. It's fine if you want to tell people about it -- knock yourself out. Just please stop pretending like I'm somehow responsible for your drama llama emo angst, because I'm not.
Love and fluffy white kittens with shining, mischievous blue eyes,
Also, I have some music for girlupnorth and incapricious, but anyone else is welcome to grab these (they're on Sendspace): Zanzibár for girlupnorth -- 6 songs (32Mb zip) and Agata Kristi for incapricious -- 6 songs (33Mb zip).