not your typical annihilatrix (furiosity) wrote,
not your typical annihilatrix
furiosity

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Nineteen Years Later: A Short Rock Opera

So term 12 has finally ended at hogwarts_elite. Three weeks ago was Hogsmeade, that wondrous time when we get no sleep and enter contests like llamas on speed. Five of those contests were fic, and my fics placed in four of them -- three first, one second. Four out of five ain't bad, all things considered, and hey, now I can finally dump these fics here in this LJ, which I don't like doing until results are announced. One is an AD/GG that I'm frankly ashamed to have written (when I found out it placed, albeit second, I was seriously dying of laughter), one is really evil H/D, and one is written from the point of view of a Snitch. The one that didn't place is an AU where Neville is the BHL and it's really short and gen and too cute; I never do well with cute.

This, now. This was one of the first-placing entries but it has no literary merit whatsoever. In fact, it's not even a fic at all; it's a rock opera. The prompt was "write the epilogue you would have written!" And since my answer to that was that I wouldn't have written an epilogue at all, um, this resulted.

Nineteen Years Later: A Short Rock Opera

CAST OF CHARACTERS: (in order of appearance)
                MILITANT GINNY HATERS
                SLYTHERFEN
                DRACO FANGIRLS
                NEWLY MINTED AS/S SHIPPERS
                RABID H/D SHIPPERS
                EVERYBODY IN FANDOM, EVER
                NEVILLE FANS
                FANS OF EVERY BELOVED SECONDARY CHARACTER NOT APPEARING IN THIS EPILOGUE
                SNAPEFEN
                DUMBLEDORE
                J.K. ROWLING
                FANDOM_WANK

WITH ACCOMPANIMENT FROM: 
                INTERNATIONAL CHORUS OF PEDANTIC FANFICCERS
                THE FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
                THE INTERGALACTIC CHORUS OF MILITANT SLASHERS

WITH ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS TO:
                GIOACHINO ANTONIO ROSSINI
                FREDDIE MERCURY
                QUEEN
ENTER: ALL, STAGE RIGHT.

Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first of September was crisp as an apple, and as the little family bobbed across the rumbling road toward the
great sooty station, the fumes of car exhausts and the breath of pedestrians sparkled like cobwebs in the cold air.

INTERNATIONAL CHORUS OF PEDANTIC FANFICCERS
		What? The morning was crisp as a what? 
                Since when are cobwebs sparkly? Somebody 
                call pest control, 'cause the spiders in Rowling's 
                house are overdosing on the pixie dust.
"Two years," sniffed Lily. "I want to go now!"

MILITANT GINNY HATERS
		Awww, isn't that CUTE?
                SHE'S JUST LIKE HER MUMMY!
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		Just like her mummy!
                Bravo bravissimo!
                Isn't that cute?
                Per verità!
With a slightly cocky look over his shoulder at his younger brother, James took the trolley from his mother and broke into a run. A moment later, he had vanished.

SLYTHERFEN
		Oh look, it's the reincarnation
                Of Harry Potter's bullying father.
                How predictable.
"And you don't want to believe everything he tells you about Hogwarts," Harry put in. "He likes a laugh, your brother."

SLYTHERFEN
		And he's Fred incarnate!
                Mordred save us!
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		He's Fred incarnate!
                Bravo bravissimo!
                Mordred save us!
                Per verità!
A group of four people emerged from the mist, standing alongside the very last carriage. Their faces only came into focus when Harry, Ginny, Lily, and Albus had drawn right up to them.

INTERNATIONAL CHORUS OF PEDANTIC FANFICCERS
		Did she think she was being original
                With the pretty, swirly mist?
                Oh wait, what was it? It was supposed to be... poetic.
                Yes, that is the word. How pathetic.
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		Gorillas in the Mist
                But with wizards!
"As a matter of fact, I did Confund him," Ron whispered to Harry

SLYTHERFEN
		If Draco had done that
                To a Muggle
                He'd be doing jail time
                We're just sayin'...
Draco Malfoy was standing there with his wife and son, a dark coat buttoned up to his throat. His hair was receding somewhat, which emphasised the pointed chin.

DRACO FANGIRLS
		OH NO BITCH YOU DIDN'T!!!!1
                UR JUST JELLUS DRACO IS SEXY
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		Draco is sexy!
                Bravo bravissimo!
                UR just jellus!
                Per verità!
The new boy resembled Draco as much as Albus resembled Harry.

NEWLY MINTED AS/S SHIPPERS
		A new ship is born - oooooh!
                Somehow we have to make this final breakthru...
                Now!
                Oh yeah!
Draco caught sight of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny staring at him, nodded curtly, and turned away again.

RABID H/D FANGIRLS
		Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
                They're so doing it!
                WE TOLD YOU SO!
                Theirloveissocanon!
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		Theirloveissocanon!
                Bravo bravissimo!
                They're so doing it!
                Per verità!
"So that's little Scorpius," said Ron under his breath.

EVERYBODY IN FANDOM, EVER
		Scorpius?
                SCORPIUS?
                That poor, poor child.
"Our Teddy! Teddy Lupin! Snogging our Victoire! Our cousin! And I asked Teddy what he was doing --"

SLYTHERFEN
		Oh, hurlity hurl.
                OBHWF
                There's no escape.
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		There's no escape!
                Bravo bravissimo!
                Hurlity hurl!
                Per verità!
"Don't forget to give Neville our love!" Ginny told James as she hugged him.

NEVILLE FANS
		At least he gets a mention
                That's something, right?
FANS OF EVERY BELOVED SECONDARY CHARACTER NOT APPEARING IN THIS EPILOGUE
		We hate you
                Please shut up.
NEVILLE FANS
		:(
Shaking his head at his mother's foolishness, he vented his feelings by aiming a kick at Albus.

SLYTHERFEN
		What a charming lad.
                We wonder if he does parties.
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		Does he do parties?
                Bravo bravissimo!
                What a charming lad!
                Per verità!
"What if I'm in Slytherin?"

The whisper was for his father alone, and Harry knew that only the moment of departure could have forced Albus to reveal how great and sincere that fear was.

SLYTHERFEN
		Oh, dramatise.
Harry crouched down so that Albus's face was slightly above his own. Alone of Harry's three children, Albus had inherited Lily's eyes.

MILITANT GINNY HATERS
		Should have thought about it
                Before you married her!
                We bet she got fat--
                Like her mother!
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		Fat like her mother!
                Bravo bravissimo!
                We bet she got fat!
                Per verità!
"Albus Severus," Harry said quietly

EVERYBODY IN FANDOM, EVER
		Albus Severus?
                ALBUS SEVERUS?
                That poor, poor child.
"You were named for two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin and he was probably the bravest man I ever knew."

SNAPEFEN
		Is a Slytherin.
                Is the bravest man.
                IS!
                THERE WAS A BEZOAR IN HIS POCKET!
"The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account."

HARRY POTTER SORTING COMMUNITIES
		*implode*
"Don't let it worry you," said Ron. "It's me, I'm extremely famous."

RON FANS
		YAY RON!
INTERNATIONAL CHORUS OF PEDANTIC FANFICCERS
		Right. Because Harry's firstborn
                Doesn't know how famous his father is
                Even though he's been to Hogwarts.
                And of course he's said nothing
                To his naive brother.
                Right.
Albus, Rose, Hugo, and Lily laughed. The train began to move, and Harry walked alongside it, watching his son's thin face, already ablaze with excitement.

INTERNATIONAL CHORUS OF PEDANTIC FANFICCERS
		What happened to 
                The Mist of Poetic Licence?
                Did it dissipate at random
                So Harry can wave good-bye?
FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		Bad continuity!
                Bravo bravissimo!
                Poetic licence!
                Per verità!
The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well.

THE FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		NO, IT BLOODY WELL WASN'T!
                LET US COUNT THE WAYS IN WHICH IT WASN'T!
INTERNATIONAL CHORUS OF PEDANTIC FANFICCERS
		Adverb count: 27! Out of 1600! That's nearly two per cent!
                Ellipsis count: 3! That's 1 per page!
                Shame! Shame! Shame!
INTERGALACTIC CHORUS OF MILITANT SLASHERS
		Homophobia!
                Heteronormativity!
                Homophobia!
                Heteronormativity!
DUMBLEDORE
		But I was gay!
                So gay for Grindelwald. ;_;
THE FANDOM PEANUT GALLERY
		It's not enough!
                It's too much!
                It's not canon!
J.K. ROWLING
		Oh, fuck you guys.
                Rocks fall -- everyone dies!
FANDOM_WANK
		HAAAAAAAAAAAAA-LE-LU-JAH!
FINIS.
EXEUNT: ALL. STAGE UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START

CURTAIN.
I'm so sorry. *Goes back to answering Smutmas comments*
Also, apparently people are guessing me for a H/D hols fic whose author is replying to their comments anonymously before the reveal? LOL NO.
I have never answered comments anonymously (except to the recipient) and I don't intend to start.
Tags: fic:fandom:hp, fic:genre:crack, fic:length:flash, fic:post-dh
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