Stephenie Meyer: I told you people. In Utah, assholes are awesome.
Osbourne Jr.: I am the first auditioner with a debilitating disease who actually appears first during a show.
Judges: Now we shall get all pretentious and snooty about what kind of ~artist~ you are, but let you go to Hollywood anyway.
Goth Chick: I have ESP. I know when certain people are going to die. But I have no idea if I'm going to win this competition. Coincidence!
Randy: *facepalms politely at her singing*
Creepy guy in a pink bunny suit: I have totally appeared on the show again.
Friend of CGPBS: Actually, in a completely weird-ass twist, he's here to support me, not to audition.
Judges: Okay, that's just bizarre. Even for this season.
Creepy guy in a pink bunny suit: *bops up and down as his friend sings*
Guy in a pink bunny suit: Turns out to be not all that creepy akshully.
Ryan: And to prove yet again that this season is very strange, I shall now dispense meaningless advice to the entire holding room.
Amy Winehouse: I am totally awesome.
Judges: Yeah, probs.
Half-Sleeve Girl: I am wearing a dress that looks like a little girl's, but I also have an elaborate tattoo.
Simon: omfg, you're actually memorable.
Judges: You have a soul, but you have no soul.
Soul Dude: Aw shucks, I guess I'll go back to school.
Class President: I'm auditioning to inspire people and to tell them it's okay to follow their dreams.
Judges: You're this year's answer to David Archuleta, aren't you?
Tall Girl: I like being tall!
Kara: I saw her in the bathroom a couple of times. Practising. Totally practising.
The Hippy: Ha, did any of you seriously think I'd get cut during auditions after the 15-minute backstory segment?
Simon: omfg. Another person I'm going to remember. What do they feed people in Utah?