Simon: I personally would liken you to Broken Ukelele.
Snowflake Earring: I can also do Broken Kazoo! Also, my earring has turned out to be hilariously symbolic.
Simon: Here, let me call your boss to get your job back.
Enrique Iglesias: I can sing in Spanish. I can sing in English. I'm also pretty hot.
Judges: Welcome to Hollywood!
Carmen: I won the World's Most Beautiful Baby Contest. I also won 700 other contests! It's how I make my living.
Judges: You're not winning this one.
Carmen: By the way, I won most of those contests by begging and throwing tantrums and stamping my feet!
Line-up of Losers: Uh, the judges are totally wrong and we're AWESOME AND TALENTED YAY.
f: Please don't ever write any fan fiction where I can see it, thx.
Hippy #2: I dance naked in my room and I will make everybody happy! :D
Ryan: I bet you will. >.>
Hippy #2: I want to uplift humanity! :D
Simon: Don't you wish you were naked?
Hippy #2: If you all were. :D
Judges: We're gonna put you through. Maybe you'll convince them all to get naked onstage. That'll be an awesome gimmick for this season.
Guitar Girl: I've been an entertainer for 10 years! Also, I look like I'm pooping when I sing.
Judges: Just for laughs, we're gonna put you through. Hehehehe.
Window behind Judges: *randomly collapses*
Simon: Why does this shit always happen when I'm talking?
GuyPod: I'm the human iPod!
Simon: You're a defective model. I'm suing Apple.
GuyPod: Did you just say no? YAY YAY! *changes into Superman-type costume and dives into the pool randomly*
Lipstick Man: Simon, you were mean to me and that has mysteriously hurt my ass.
Simon: I would have thought you'd like that.
Lipstick Man: You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?
Judges: Oooooooooooooooooh. We like you.
Red Dress: I have a cute little brother.
Red Dress's Lil Bro: I brought you a seashell. You should share it. :D
Judges: ...Could you spell that?
Red Dress: You may be very surprised, what with the Cute Little Brother Gimmick and all, but I can actually sing!
Crazy Girl from Last Year: I am a Buddhist now. And the sparkles are no longer on my face, but on my dress.
Simon: ...but you still haven't learned to sing. In fact, you're worse than last year.
Crazy Girl from Last Year: I may be a Buddhist, but Simon? You're an asshole.
Girl Whose Parents Got Married Here: This is my family. They're also my back-up band.
Simon: Sing something other than Whitney.
Girl Whose Parents Got Married Here: I can do Spanish.
Girl Whose Parents Got Married Here: *emerges with a golden ticket*
FINALLY we're headed into Hollywood Week; thank Kinney. Most. Bizarre. Audition season. Ever.