Fandom: One Piece
Pairing: Zoro/Sanji (pre-slash)
Disclaimer: Oda owns. I only play. You do not sue.
Summary: When Zoro claims he is raising a dragon in his pants -- and no, he doesn't mean his you-know-what, ha ha -- Sanji doesn't believe him. Naturally.
Note: Written for Short Precarious Anecdote Month. This is set in that place where filler episodes are born and raised (i.e. the amorphous not-time between any two pre-timeskip arcs of your choosing). The word "pants" as it's used throughout the story refers to the American English meaning (i.e. trousers).
Sanji's eye began to twitch. "Zoro, damn you!"
"What? I was sleeping."
"Like hell you were. You're blocking the door to the laundry room, so go take your nap somewhere else."
"I'm not blocking the door. I'm at least a foot away from it. Step over me; there's space enough. You just woke me up because of your bad nature, dumbshit cook."
"I don't want to have to step over you with a basket full of laundry, so move. Besides, shouldn't you be doing your laundry? Your pants look filthy, when was the last time you washed them?"
"I can't wash them now; there's a dragon in them."
Sanji snorted. "Right. I always suspected you were a size queen, but a dragon, really?"
"I don't mean my dick, you pervert."
"Don't call me a pervert in the same sentence as your dick!"
"Like I said, it's not my dick. It's a dragon."
"Yes, yes, your dick's really huge, now get out of the way."
"Why do you keep talking about my dick? Have you switched teams or something? I told you, it's a dragon."
"I have not switched anything!" Sanji spluttered. The very idea was indescribably preposterous. "Fine, have it your way; I'll just do laundry tomorrow!"
"Yeah, yeah," Zoro called after him as Sanji stormed off, back to the kitchen, where he surprised Chopper in the middle of creeping towards the fridge.
"What do you think you're doing?" Sanji demanded, barring his way. "We just had dinner an hour ago."
"I was, uh. Brushing up on my stealth," Chopper said, climbing under the table to evade capture. "Yep. That's the ticket."
"I think someone broke Zoro," Sanji told him, giving up the chase. "He's collapsed outside the laundry room and is claiming there's a dragon in his pants."
Chopper, whose expression had grown alarmed at collapsed, relaxed. "Oh, that. Yeah, I know about that. Nami told me."
Sanji blinked. "N-Nami-san?"
"Nami-san told you. That there is a dragon. In Zoro's pants."
"You're awfully pale," Chopper said.
But Sanji was already rushing to deck. "Nami-swaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"
"What is it, Sanji-kun?" Nami leaned over the railing above and raised her sunglasses. She held a watering can in her hand and looked as perfect as ever against the backdrop of her mikan tree. Naturally.
"It's about, ah." How was he supposed to broach the subject? It's not like he had a right to know if Nami had seen the inside of Zoro's pants. "Have you heard about the, um, dragon--"
"Oh, the one in Zoro's pants? Sure, yeah, what about it?"
Sanji wondered if perhaps all of his crewmates had been replaced by pod people while he was washing up after dinner. It was known to happen in still waters sometimes; the world's oceans were vast and full of mysteries after all.
If they hadn't been replaced by pod people, maybe they were suffering from a collective delusion due to some Devil Fruit user's hijinx, which Sanji had miraculously escaped. Maybe it was a beautiful female Devil Fruit user who wanted Sanji all to herself.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder. "Is something the matter, Sanji-san?" Robin asked.
"Yeah, your face looks even creepier than usual," Usopp put in, peeking out from behind Robin.
"Robin-chwan!" Sanji exclaimed, spinning circles around her. "Please say you aren't a pod person! Please say you know nothing about Zoro's dragon--"
"Ah, the one in his pants?"
Sanji smashed into a wall and slid down to the floor. "So they've got you too."
"Who's got who?" Usopp asked. "Are the dragons multiplying? Luffy will be so happy when he gets back; he's always wanted a dragon." Luffy was on the island nearby, running an errand he'd claimed he needed to do alone.
"YOU CAN'T BRING UP A DRAGON IN YOUR PANTS!" Sanji screamed to the sky. "It just isn't possible."
"Well, if it's Zoro, it's probably possible," Usopp put in. "Anyway, have you seen Franky?"
"Why, does he have a dragon in his pants too?"
"No, but I'll ask him for you."
"Just leave," Sanji said weakly. "Leave me to die alone, surrounded by pod people."
Sanji had been staring at Zoro's sleeping figure for what felt like an hour. Sanji checked the sun's position: it had only been five minutes or so.
As usual, Zoro napped seated, his upper back flush with the wall behind him, the gap between his lower back and the wall a mere three inches. Zoro's soft snoring was irritating Sanji. How could any normal person be comfortable sleeping like that?
He peered at Zoro's crotch, feeling like an idiot. It didn't look any different from the usual, but then Sanji had never made a habit of looking at Zoro's crotch, so he had no idea what it was supposed to look like, with or without a dragon in it.
He knelt beside Zoro and tried not to get too close as he listened for any evidence of a dragon moving about in his pants. He lifted one pant leg gingerly and peered inside but saw nothing except a massive shin covered in wiry light hair and darkness. Same with the other leg.
Zoro continued to snore. Growing bolder, Sanji prodded his groin area with an elbow. Surely a disturbed dragon would make its displeasure known. Nothing. Either there was no dragon or that squishy part had been Zoro's dick. Sanji shuddered; how gross.
Zoro's haramaki had ridden up, exposing the front bow on his hakama. Sanji tugged on it, and it came loose immediately, but the straps continued all the way to the back, and there were more straps in front that seemed to be tied at the back. Did Zoro really have to untangle this mess every time he needed to take a leak? How impractical.
Little by little, Sanji managed to free all the straps somehow -- at one point he had been on his knees with his nose practically in the side of Zoro's ass, fumbling with a thingummy at the back that somehow held the numerous straps tight.
No dragon had materialised yet, but at least he'd unfastened Zoro's pants. How Zoro was still sleeping, Sanji wasn't sure.
The pants were now open at the front, but no dragon was crawling out of them. Sanji didn't want to put his face any closer to Zoro's crotch than he absolutely had to, so he started to tug the hakama down inch by careful inch, pausing to listen to Zoro's breathing to make sure he wasn't about to awaken.
Zoro's pants were halfway down his thighs, and Sanji realised three things at once.
One: there was no dragon there. Naturally.
Two: how the hell was he going to put Zoro's pants back on? He would have to lift Zoro's ass while dragging the pants back up. A miscalculation.
Three: Zoro wasn't wearing underwear. His dick was a soft lump at least twice Sanji's size. Not that stuff like that mattered to Sanji.
For some reason, he was finding it really difficult to look away. He'd kind of seen it before, in passing, the same way he'd seen Luffy's and Usopp's -- and, thanks to Luffy, everyone had seen Franky's. In public baths, as they undressed for bed or dressed in the morning -- routine glimpses. He'd seen it and was aware that it existed, in that vague sort of way you knew other people had arms and legs but were still a little surprised when they used their arms to lift you up or their legs to kick you.
He'd never seen one this close, either. Sanji had murky memories of playing doctor with another boy sometime in his past, and it was a similar kind of feeling: an intense curiosity, because this thing in front of him was so familiar-looking and yet so alien, because it wasn't his. And back in those days, he'd been looking at a little thing the size of a peanut still in its shell. This was... something else.
What was it like, Zoro's most private area, the part of him no one -- certainly no woman ever -- got to touch?
It was a terrible thought and a terrible question but it didn't stop Sanji from reaching forward and pressing his fingers lightly against the top of Zoro's dick.
The first sensation of soft, pork-belly smooth, faintly damp skin against Sanji's fingertips drew a pang from his groin. A fluke, Sanji assured himself, and pressed a little harder, then squeezed the thing between his thumb and forefinger. He was just a little curious, that was all. In principle, this was no different from touching a big toe.
Similar to Sanji's, yet far from the same: when Sanji touched himself like this, he was trying to get off, so his dick would get hard quickly, but Zoro's remained fleshy and yielding, like overcooked surimi. Sanji's sense memory expected it to grow hard beneath his fingertips, but it just wasn't, and he didn't like it when things didn't go according to his expectations. It was almost like he wanted to make Zoro's dick hard just to assuage that superficial dissatisfaction.
"SHIT!" Sanji pulled his hand away and wiped it hastily on his jacket.
Zoro pulled his hakama back up smoothly and sat up straight to face Sanji. "What a crappy princeling you are: molesting innocent people in their sleep."
"You didn't have a dragon," Sanji said, trying to sound accusing, but it was difficult to do that when one had just inappropriately touched one's crewmate, even if said crewmate was a filthy liar who lied about dragons in his pants and confused the fuck out of you.
"Nami and I made a bet that I could make you take my pants off without asking or forcing you to." Zoro grinned. "Now she has to pay for my alcohol at the next three islands where we dock."
"What kind of bet is that? You obviously rigged it. Who wouldn't want to have a look if you kept saying you had a dragon in there?"
And just how the hell had Zoro and Nami even come to have a conversation about Sanji taking Zoro's pants off in the first place? Sanji wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"The dragon thing was her idea, actually, as was bribing the rest of them to play along. She didn't think even that would make you want to look at another guy's junk. Yet here you are."
Sanji felt absurdly flattered by Nami's assessment of his character and even more absurdly ashamed to have disappointed her. "I hate you forever, you moss-headed bastard."
"There's at least one part of me you don't hate, though, it felt like."
Sanji blanched. Would he ever live this down? Probably not. "If you tell anyone about that, I swear I'll kill you."
"Hey, don't get me wrong -- I didn't hate it either. You can do it again any time."
Something in Sanji's being felt gratified to hear that. He resolutely quashed the thought. "Just die."
"You can even do more than touch it, if you want."
Sanji's mind supplied the image to go with the suggestion, and heat flooded his face. "I'm warning you."
Zoro sighed. "It's really no fun to make fun of you when you're blushing like that, could you stop? I might start thinking you really did like it."
Sanji's heart leapt at the opportunity. "Of course I didn't, stupid! I'm blushing because it's embarrassing. That's it."
"Glad to hear it," Zoro said, leaning back against the wall again and shutting his eyes. "I wouldn't want a pest like you after my dick."
"In your dreams, shitty marimo," Sanji said, getting to his feet and stomping away.
That Zoro's last words made him feel like someone had just bought the last blue-finned elephant tuna in the world from right under his nose had nothing to do with anything.