not your typical annihilatrix (furiosity) wrote,
not your typical annihilatrix
furiosity

Fic: [KnB] Catch Criminals, Solve Crimes, Train Now for a Great Profession (AoKagaKuro gen; PG-13)

Title: Catch Criminals, Solve Crimes, Train Now for a Great Profession
Fandom: Kuroko no Basket | The Basketball Which Kuroko Plays
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Aomine Daiki, Kagami Taiga, Kuroko Tetsuya
Disclaimer: Fujimaki owns. I only play. You do not sue.
Warning: Crack
Summary: When Aomine Daiki wanted to go to police school, nobody ever told him there was going to be a curfew. So he decided to become a private dick.
Length: ~1800
Note: Written for Short Precarious Anecdote Month. This story features an established polyamorous (triad) relationship but doesn't focus on the relationship.

Catch Criminals, Solve Crimes, Train Now for a Great Profession


"What's that, Aomine-kun?"

"A brochure for police school," Daiki said, turning it around so Tetsu -- whose head rested on Daiki's right thigh -- could read the front.

"Police school?" Taiga asked from the other thigh. "Is that where you're going after graduation?"

"That's the plan," Daiki said.

"But what about basketball?" they asked in unison.

Daiki lifted the brochure out of the way and looked from one face to the other. "What about it? I'll join a pro team, obviously. Most players on pro teams have full-time jobs since the pay's so low."

"Oh," Tetsu said.

"Oh," Taiga echoed.

Daiki went back to reading. It turned out that anyone with a high school education could apply to police school. If accepted, he would spend a year studying the special curriculum full-time, then do three months of actual police work, after which it was six more months of school.

"I'll be a cop in less than two years," Daiki said after making it through the first section. "I'll have a paycheck while you guys still have two years of homework, exams, and tuition fees. Suck on that."

"Why would you want to be a cop, though?" Taiga asked.

Daiki thought about it. "I dunno? Something I always wanted to do, I guess. Besides basketball."

Taiga stared up at him. "I wanted to be a fireman when I was a kid but that was because I was a kid." He shifted to rest his head right at the juncture of Daiki's thigh and groin. If he didn't stop squirming, it was going to get distracting.

"Please don't become a fireman, Kagami-kun," Tetsu said, arching his back so he could peer at Taiga with his head upside down atop Daiki's thigh. "That's dangerous."

"And police work isn't?" Daiki demanded. "I'll get to carry a gun. A gun!" He also wanted to tell them that his lap wasn't a pillow, but then they would move, and he didn't want that.

"So that's really the main draw," Taiga concluded. "What do you want with a gun?"

"Well, no," Daiki said. "I don't really want a gun. I'll just have to carry one?"

"I wonder what happens to police officers who refuse to carry guns," Tetsu said, trying to turn sideways, but Daiki didn't let him. Last time he fell asleep like that, he'd drooled all over Daiki's jeans.

"Maybe they're sent to police reform school," Taiga suggested.

"I didn't say I'd refuse to carry one, just that I don't really want it!" Daiki exploded. Why did they always have to go off on tangents?

"If you don't really want a gun, why would you want to be a cop?" Taiga asked, filching the brochure from Daiki's hands. If Daiki tried to wrestle him for the brochure, he'd jostle Tetsu, so he let Taiga have it.

"Because I'll get to catch criminals," he said. "I don't like criminals."

"You fit the definition of a juvenile delinquent, Aomine-kun," Tetsu said. "That's a type of criminal."

"How am I a delinquent?" Daiki groused. "No one who's in trouble with the cops is allowed on the Touou team."

"Just because you aren't in trouble with the cops doesn't mean you aren't a delinquent," Tetsu said, then sretched his legs up over the couch arm. "What matters is what's in your heart."

"Great," Daiki said, flicking his forehead. "I'm a delinquent in my heart. Thanks, assholes."

"See how easily you visit violence upon the innocent," Tetsu said dramatically.

Daiki snorted. "What part of you is innocent?"

"What are you calling me an asshole for?" Taiga asked, belatedly. "I'm minding my own business and reading your brochure. Did you know you'll have to live in a dorm for the whole time you're in school?"

"Yeah, I heard about that," Daiki said. "It's fine, right?"

"I dunno," Taiga said, meeting his eyes. "Is it?" He wore a look that said it wasn't, like observing someone about to shoot while knowing it would never clear the rim.

"I don't want Aomine-kun sharing a dorm with some stranger," Tetsu said in a tone that brooked no argument.

"It says here there's an eleven o'clock curfew at the dorms," Taiga said, shaking the brochure he'd been holding above his eyes. "Apparently you need special permission to leave after that time."

"Oh, fuck that," Daiki said. "I'm not living in no place that has a curfew, I'm not a grade schooler."

"So what will you do?" Tetsu asked, gazing up at Daiki.

Daiki scoffed. "Open up my own detective agency, obviously."

"Now you want to join the yakuza?" Taiga asked, tossing the brochure onto the table.

Daiki gave him a sideways glare. "What the hell does the yakuza have to do with it?"

Taiga shrugged. "Aren't most private detective agencies fronts for the yakuza? Like the loan sharks."

"Even if most are, mine obviously won't be. It'll be a totally legitimate detective agency. No sharks, either. I hate sharks."

"Your detectives' first job should be finding out if you're cheating on us with your police school roommate," Tetsu suggested.

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?" Daiki spluttered. "If I have a detective agency, I'm not in police school. If I'm not in police school, I obviously don't have a police school roommate. Besides, you can't investigate yourself."

"That's too bad," Tetsu said. "If only people could investigate themselves, I bet they would learn a lot of things that would make their lives much easier."

"It's called a conflict of interest," Taiga said.

"You guys should forget about university and do the agency thing with me. We can run it together, fifty-fifty."

"We can't run it fifty-fifty," Tetsu said. "There are three of us."

"You know what I mean," Daiki said. "We can do it 33/33/33 and give the extra one per cent to Nigou."

"I'll run it by Nigou," Tetsu said. "But I don't think he'd be interested unless you can make one per cent of the agency be wiener sausages."

"Speaking of which, I'm hungry," Taiga said, lifting his head out of Daiki's lap. "Are you guys hungry? I'm going to make something to eat."

"Wieners?" Tetsu asked.

"Don't have any," Taiga said as he walked off to the kitchen. "I'll buy some next time."

-

"What's that, Aomine-kun?"

Daiki carried the large rectangular sheet of plastic he'd found in the neighbourhood trash pick-up zone into Taiga's living room and placed it on the floor in front of the TV. "That's our future store sign."

Tetsu pushed the book he'd been reading aside and climbed off the sofa to join Daiki on the floor. "We have a store?"

"Yeah, the agency? For now I'll just put it outside my house. We can't afford office space; gotta make some money first."

"We also have to graduate first," Tetsu pointed out. "That's still six months away."

"That's good because it means we have time to prepare," Daiki said, feeling very adult and important. Adults did things like preparation, right?

"Does that mean we'll have to come over to your house every morning, for work?" Taiga called from the kitchen.

"Yeah, I guess it does. You got a problem with that?" Daiki hollered back.

"Do we get to have sex?" Tetsu asked. He was lying down on his stomach and studying the sign with his chin resting atop arms crossed in front of his head.

Daiki went to deck him. "We can have sex whenever, so don't change the subject."

"Delinquency," Tetsu announced, rolling out of Daiki's way.

"Anyway, Tetsu, your penmanship is the best out of all three of us, so write the sign out."

"What should I write?" Tetsu asked, still rolling around on the floor even though Daiki was no longer trying to hit him.

"Just something catchy that'll make people want to come in and find out what we're all about. I leave it to you."

"All right," Tetsu said. He sat up, pulled the plastic towards himself and picked up a marker from amidst the homework paraphernalia on the table.

Daiki left him to it and went into the kitchen. "What are you making?"

"About to fry up some wieners," Taiga said from the counter without looking around.

Daiki peered at the cutting board over Taiga's shoulder. "Make them look like octopuses."

Taiga bumped his backside against Daiki's front. It probably wasn't supposed to be suggestive, but Daiki was seventeen years old. "What's the point?"

"They taste better if they're octopussy," Daiki said, wondering how much of a beating he'd get if he tried to molest Taiga in his kitchen.

"Fine, fine," Taiga said with a sigh. "Now get out of the kitchen; there's not enough room."

Daiki hung around the kitchen just to spite him. Also, Taiga was cute when annoyed.

"Done," Tetsu said as Taiga and Daiki finished bringing the food out into the living room. "Please have a look, Aomine-kun."

The sign read, Catch Criminals, Solve Crimes, Train Now for a Great Profession.

Daiki glanced at Tetsu. Tetsu looked extremely pleased with himself.

Daiki met Taiga's eyes. Taiga looked extremely pleased with Tetsu. The apron, however manly Taiga insisted it was, really enhanced the proud-mommy look. No help there.

"Um," Daiki said, not sure how to break the news in a way that wouldn't make them gang up on him like they always did. Aw, fuck it. "What's this supposed to be? We're a detective agency, not a detective school! What am I supposed to do with this?"

"I thought a detective agency was like an agency for detectives," Tetsu said, his blue eyes wide. "Like, you know, there is an agent, and the agent represents a detective. Obviously there are detective classes too. For the detectives."

"Yeah, like a modelling agency," Taiga said. "With classes for models -- Kise always goes to those. Only here it's detectives. We want detectives to come over to our place, right?"

Daiki looked from one bewildered face to the other, really not sure if this was an elaborate put-on or not. Knowing them, it definitely was, but their acting abilities just wouldn't stop improving.

"No, you dummies, we are the detectives!" he said.

"We are?" Taiga asked.

"Do we get special detective hats?" Tetsu wanted to know.

Daiki sighed. "You just want me to give this up and apply to the university you're going to so we can play basketball together, don't you?"

Taiga's eyes turned shifty. "We never said that."

"Yeah, Aomine-kun, you're the one who said it."

"Fine," Daiki said. "I'll go to your stupid school. You bastards will sabotage anything else I try to do, anyway."

At least they had the grace to look guilty.

"What do we do with the sign?" Taiga asked, prodding it with a toe.

"Let's donate it to the police," Tetsu suggested. "Maybe they can use it at the police school."

"You guys are really lucky I don't hate you," Daiki said.

[end]
Tags: fic:character:knb:aomine, fic:character:knb:kagami, fic:character:knb:kuroko, fic:fandom:knb, fic:genre:crack, fic:genre:fluff, fic:genre:humour, fic:length:short, fic:pairing:aomine/kagami/kuroko, fic:pov:aomine, fic:type:gen, fic:type:slash
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